In my family law practice I regularly see clients struggle to save their marriages but I also see people struggling to achieve other goals. Whether it’s getting physically fit, sticking to a diet, repairing relationships, improving finances, building a business, making a career change, getting sober, you name it. Some people succeed while others stay stuck in the status quo. What gives?
By the end of January, the vast majority of people who made New Year’s resolutions (75% according to Columbia University) won’t stay committed to their goals. And according to a survey by Forbes Health, only 1% of people surveyed stayed committed to their resolutions after 11-12 months. One reason people fail to keep resolutions—or to make life changes in general—is because they don’t have a plan but it takes more than that.
Looking to change your marriage or life for the better? Start with self-reflection
In our business, clients often come to us after the first of the year because the holidays were really tough for their family. They’re not sure they want to stay married, yet they don’t know what to do next. I’ve also seen clients and friends flounder in attempts to make other life changes stick.
A lot of promises get made (to oneself or others)— “I’m really going to change this time!”—but more often than not, people revert to old behaviors. If you don’t want to end up twisting in the wind, it’s critical to take time for self-reflection. Ask yourself:
- What specifically do you want to accomplish?
- Why is this life change important to you?
- What obstacles are standing in the way of your goals?
- What are your paint points?
- In relationships (like marriage), what issues/actions are unacceptable to you?
- What are your non-negotiables?
It’s important to compartmentalize these data points, then come up with specific solutions that need to play out in order to move forward. When there are issues in a marriage or other relationship, be sure to include the other party or parties involved when hashing out problems and solutions. You should collectively discuss and decide:
- What specific expectations and benchmarks do you have for the parties involved?
- What are the consequences if those expectations aren’t met or the party comes up short on a benchmark that has been set?
- Are you willing and able to hold each other accountable?
- At what point are you willing to walk away?
Ready to improve your life? Six steps to kickstart lasting change
One of the most rewarding parts of my job is celebrating the successes of clients who find a way to overcome the obstacles life throws their way. There’s no question it takes hard work and commitment, so how do they do it? If you’re ready to embark on your journey to lasting change, consider the following steps.
Step 1: Be clear on your “why.”
A lot of people say they want to make a change but they haven’t reached the point where not doing it isn’t an option. Being clear on why you want to do something different—your WHY—and really, really wanting to improve your life is key.
Imagine you’re encouraging your spouse to prioritize family time over their social activities. Your “why” could be rooted in a desire to foster a close-knit, loving family atmosphere where your children feel secure and cherished. By focusing on this shared goal, you’re working toward a home environment where every family member—including you—feels appreciated, respected and deeply connected. This isn’t just about shifting priorities; it’s about building a foundation of love and stability that benefits everyone involved.
Step 2: Put the time in to create new habits.
No one ever said life would be easy, and the same holds true for making lasting life changes. The good news is that habits take as little as two weeks to form, so if you (and/or the other parties involved) can stick it out that long, you’re off to a great start. That’s not to say you don’t need to keep working on things but that two weeks can help set a solid foundation to propel you forward.
Step 3: Create a plan that aligns with goals.
You can’t create a plan without self-reflecting first (see above). After that, you need to break your plan down into the steps needed to get to the outcome you desire. Your plan should include your specific expectations for actions and behavior (in the short- and long-term); benchmarks to meet (what and by when); consequences for not fulfilling promises; as well as how you will monitor and communicate about progress when others are concerned.
Keep in mind, you’ll need to get buy-in from all parties involved in order for your plan to succeed. If you’re in a relationship where the other party doesn’t want to change, you’ll probably need to pivot and decide whether the changes you wish to make are more important than making compromises to save your relationship.
We take a deep dive into how to make a plan for change in this recent post:
How to Fix a Relationship After Trust Is Broken
Step 4: Set goals that are attainable, then readjust as needed.
Whether your goal is to lose weight or you want your spouse to be more responsible when it comes to the kids, lasting change takes time and commitment. Say you want to lose 50 pounds, you’ll have better odds for success if you set your goals in increments (5 lbs., 10 lbs.,) and celebrate each win as you go. It’s fine to have ambitious goals but checking off smaller accomplishments along the way will help you stay positive and focused.
From a marriage and family perspective, most couples have more success improving their family dynamic if they set smaller goals then expand upon them over time. For example, if your spouse spends more time golfing with their buddies than they do with you and/or the kids, asking them to “quit” their friends completely will likely backfire. Start by adding regular dates nights and family outings to your calendar, and schedule them on repeat.
Step 5: Stick to the boundaries and consequences you’ve set.
Boundaries and consequences are key components of the plan for change discussed in Step 3. While it’s important to hold yourself accountable when charting a course for personal change, this step is just as critical when you’re trying to fix a relationship that isn’t working.
For example, if you’ve agreed your spouse can enjoy one happy hour per week with friends, as long as they’re home by 10 p.m. and they repeatedly stay out past 2 a.m., what’s the consequence they’ll face for breaking that promise? If you don’t establish and follow through on consequences, you won’t see lasting change.
Step 6: Hold your non-negotiables dear.
From self-reflection to creating a plan to following through, prioritizing self-respect and love for oneself is key. We’ve all failed in the past, and it’s easy to beat ourselves up but that won’t get you where you want and deserve to be. You deserve to be your best self and you deserve to be loved and respected in the relationships you put your heart into nurturing and growing.
If someone or something is standing in your way or making life intolerable, how will you respond? Establishing when and how you will respond during the self-reflection phase can make it easier to take action when things don’t go as planned. Ask yourself:
- What are the things you hold dear, the feelings or circumstances you won’t give up (self-respect, safe environment for yourself and your kids, etc.)?
- What’s your breaking point?
- When are you willing to walk away?
These are all important questions to ask when seeking enduring change. Of course, I don’t have all of the answers.
Consult an expert to help you chart a course for change
If you’re ready to do something different but you’re not sure where to begin, you don’t need to go it alone. Hoping to save your marriage? A licensed family therapist or member of the clergy can provide the tools you need to take the next step. Are you ready to get fit for real this time? A personal trainer can show you the way. Have a start-up you want to get off the ground? Reach out to your network for mentorship. Help and guidance is readily available if you take time to seek it out.
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