Can a relationship work after trust is broken? It all depends on the willingness of the parties to be honest about what happened and their desire to mend what has been broken. As a divorce attorney, I’ve had endless conversations with clients about what happens when trust is broken and how to build back trust in a marriage.
It’s not an easy process but it is possible if you have two willing parties who want to save their relationship. If that sounds like you and your partner, you’ll find five steps to rebuild trust and how to heal from broken trust in a relationship later in this article. I’ll also share insight on when it may be best to end the relationship and move on. But first, let’s look at how some couples get to the point where they need to figure out how to fix a relationship after trust is broken.
The three common ways trust can be broken (and why it’s a tough fix)
Trust can be broken in any number of ways in a relationship but the three most common ways are adultery, financial deception and lifestyle choices. I elaborate on each of these trust busters below and share some of the ways people can sabotage or succeed at trust building.
Adultery
Infidelity, including emotional affairs, is one of the biggest reasons marriages fall apart. What generally happens with adultery situations is the victim of the infidelity wants to salvage the relationship, but they also have very high expectations. Now, those expectations are understandable because trust has been broken. However, problems often arise when the victim becomes overly possessive and controlling and tries to change the matrix of what made the couple’s relationship work initially.
That stifling behavior can make the adulterer go from feelings of shame and guilt to scratching and fighting to get out of the relationship. I’m not saying expectations and boundaries shouldn’t be established (more on that below) but going to extremes typically backfires if you truly want to learn how to heal trust issues.
By the same token, you need to keep your eyes wide open. Blindly saying, “Hey, you’re forgiven, it’s over,” can lead to the same habits that got you to this point in the first place, unless you figure out how to repair a relationship when trust is broken and take steps to do so. (I never said rebuilding trust was easy …).
Financial Deception
Trust can also be shattered when one of the parties lies or is secretive about the couple’s finances. This could include racking up credit card or gambling debt the other party is unaware of, secretly spending community funds on things for themselves or a lover, not paying the mortgage or other bills though the party claims they did, among other transgressions.
Just like victims of adultery, victims of financial deception can also tank their chances of rebuilding their relationships by going to extremes. For example, if the party says things like, “Hey, I need all your passwords, I need to know where you are at all times,” it can turn into a situation where the person that committed the act feels very smothered.
Ground rules and boundaries should not continually be expanded upon just to keep punishing the other party. Healing happens in both directions.
There are different ways to discuss hot button issues. Instead of being accusatory, “You won’t share the financial information because you’re afraid we’re going to get a divorce,” change the focus of the narrative. A better tact might be, “Hey look, I want to make sure we’re organized,” or “I want to make sure we have an estate plan together,” or “We need to look at how we can grow as a family financially.” This type of approach may soften the blow, so the party doesn’t feel threated or think, “He/she just wants info on my accounts because he/she’s going to take money from me.”
Now, if a party starts doing shady things or being secretive about family finances again, you should put your foot down. If they refuse to be forthcoming, it probably means they’re not willing to change their ways or commit to rebuilding trust in the relationship.
Lifestyle Choices
Some people get into relationships with people because they’re fun, exciting and love to have a good time. They may be popular with their crowd or described as a social butterfly. These traits can become problematic for a marriage when going out, having a good time (drinking, taking drugs), traveling a lot more for work or spending more time socializing with people other than their partner becomes the norm. It may even get to the point where the party regularly stays out late or doesn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning.
Meanwhile, their spouse is “reclusing” at home. These extreme social habits just aren’t healthy for a marriage, and oftentimes, adultery can be involved in these scenarios, too. If you’re in a marriage where your social habits are misaligned, it can help to do two things: establish limits you can both live with but remember who you married. You’re not going to change a social butterfly into a nun or priest.
Five steps to rebuild trust in a relationship
Many couples will seek professional guidance from a therapist or member of the clergy for help on ways to rebuild trust in a relationship. Seeking insight from a counselor who specializes in marital relationships can be a good way to start learning how to fix a relationship after trust is broken. Whether you see a counselor or not, consider taking the following steps for how to rebuild trust in a relationship.
Step 1: Commit to the process of healing and take responsibility for your role in the breach.
The big thing that often happens when you have a breach in trust is that some people want to go to counseling to get healed and others go to check a box. The question you both need to ask yourselves is whether you truly want to heal and move forward.
This requires that both of you look inside and internalize what you’re at fault for and not place the blame entirely on the other party. If you really want to know how to gain someone’s trust back, then you need to be open and honest about what’s been going on and why it happened. Then you can try to heal those pieces.
Step 2: Take time individually to journal a list of rules and boundaries then narrow it down.
I always encourage people in these broken trust situations to journal a list of their preferred rules for the marriage and boundaries that can’t be crossed, then take some time to chew on it. Take a couple days and then shorten that list, and then take a couple more days and shorten that list again, and then get to the specifics, the who, what, when, where and why of the rules and boundaries.
And really think about, do I need to get this far in the weeds on this issue? Does it bother me if he goes and plays golf on a Sunday? No. But it bothers me when he stays out Friday and Saturday and then goes and plays golf on Sunday, so I don’t see my spouse. The goal here is to get the list short and simplified and end up with some realistic touch points you can both rally around.
Step 3: Co-create a plan for life moving forward.
It’s important to go into this next phase as a collaborative effort, where you’re creating a life plan together. Keep in mind, the boundaries you agree to shouldn’t be an all or nothing thing. Instead, talk about how and why certain boundaries could fix the problem, and then discuss the how and why of what happens when those boundaries are breached. This should be both from a personal perspective (how does that make you feel) and from a consequences perspective.
And your boundaries can’t be one sided. They have to be realistic, and you both need to agree to them. It’s really about establishing: What are we comfortable with? What are the things that are really the major triggering issues for us? Do we really need to have these arguments over every little thing? Can we pick our battles and realize not every relationship is perfect?
And if you are the victim of someone who has breached trust, you have to be able to expand your mind to say, “Okay, we’ve set these boundaries, we’ve set these goals, I’m not going to continue to want to punish you.” But again, you need to keep your eyes wide open. It’s a tough row to hoe but as the old adage goes, if you’re going to forgive someone, forgive them and move on—just don’t be naïve.
Once you’ve established rules, boundaries and consequences, write them down so you always have a reference point for what you as a couple have agreed to. It’s also important to hold parties true to those consequences when boundaries are breached, otherwise the process is unlikely to work. So, if sleeping on the couch is the consequence for staying out past a set time with buddies or gal pals, he or she should sleep on the couch.
Your life plan should also include steps you’ll both take to reinvigorate the relationship. For example, if there has been a loss of intimacy and an affair resulted, discuss how and why that happened and commit to spending more solo time together and what that specifically entails. It’s critical to spend quality time with your spouse without friends and without kids, to refocus and make them the priority.
When my wife and I go on a long, extended trip just the two of us, we always feel like our tanks are refilled again. Too many people just don’t make time for each other because they don’t want to leave the kids or they’re busy with work or business obligations. I believe if you focus your efforts first on your creator, then on your spouse and then on your kids, that’s the proper org chart, and it shouldn’t shift from that.
It is also important to remember that the goal in raising children is for them to eventually flee the nest, the same cannot be said for the person you have chosen to be your life partner. So, make time for your spouse, as it is an investment that keeps reaping benefits.
Step 4: Be realistic and resist the urge to control every aspect of the relationship.
On the realistic front, it won’t do either one of you any good to expect the perpetrator of the breach to change completely on day one. Rebuilding trust takes time, and you’re likely to experience ups and downs along the way. Instead, take it one day at a time and celebrate the wins and progress you’re making as a couple.
Many victims of a breach of trust also have a burning desire to control their partner and their shared lives. The truth is nobody wants to be controlled, and the idea that one can control what happens in a relationship really isn’t, you got it, realistic. You can only control what you decide to do and how you will act, you can’t control your partner.
Step 5: Keep the lines of communication open.
As you go through the healing process, which can take months or years, you need to have ongoing conversations about how you can continue to make the relationship thrive, what your expectations are and what is and isn’t working. Keeping the lines of communication open and working hard to maintain a level playing field are two vital building blocks on the road to rebuilding trust.
It’s generally a good idea to revisit your list of marital rules, boundaries and consequences from time to time to see where adjustments need to be made. View your marriage as a work in progress. Scheduling regular talks about that progress and how both parties feel things are going is vital during the trust rebuilding process.
How long does it take to rebuild trust?
How long it takes to rebuild trust depends on the circumstances and severity of the breach, and more important, the individuals involved. The timeline for rebuilding trust truly is unique for every couple. For some people, rebuilding trust happens relatively quickly, while for other couples the process can take years.
Then there are the relationships that are irretrievably broken or where the perpetrator of the mistrust can’t or doesn’t want to become trustworthy. That’s when you may need to make the difficult decision of whether or not to divorce.
Don’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of the relationship
There’s a fine line between forgiveness and allowing yourself to be stepped on. What sometimes happens is people start to bend their moral compass for the satisfaction of the other individual and to save the relationship. When you do that for too long, what often ends up happening is the other person thinks that you’re okay with everything.
When something’s really broken, and you’re trying to fix it for years but you’ve got an individual who just becomes self-absorbed and self-consumed, you may start to drive yourself crazy. You may also start to sacrifice some of your own virtues, values and morals. And when you do that, it’s easy to become bitter. The mistrust factor turns into an insecurity factor, and it just isn’t necessary to live a life like that.
Even though I’m a divorce lawyer, I honestly don’t ever advocate for divorce but I’ve seen very successful stories of people transitioning from the need to control and being a very insecure person to coming out a healthier, happier person on the other side. If you’re married to someone who is not willing to take the steps necessary to rebuild trust, divorce may be the only option.
Struggling to rebuild trust and want to weigh your options?
If you’re thinking about divorcing someone who breached your trust or won’t give you a chance to rebuild the trust you’ve broken, consider speaking to a family law attorney to discuss your options. Individuals who live in the Dallas / Fort Worth area who want to speak to a divorce attorney Fort Worth or Dallas based, can schedule a confidential case review with the Sisemore Law Firm.
You can contact our family law firm by phone at (817) 336-4444 or schedule a consultation online.
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