Divorce is an experience like none other. Even spouses who generally get along can end up riding an emotional rollercoaster during divorce. However, tensions can really heat up when spouses dig in their heels and come out swinging as the divorce process rages on. In extreme cases, animosity, unhinged or cruel behavior and unwillingness to bend can snowball, and a couple can find themselves in a high conflict divorce. What’s the best way to cope?
In this blog, we’ll answer some common questions about high conflict divorce and share some tips for dealing with contentious divorce and child custody disputes.
What is a high conflict divorce?
Conflict can take many forms in a divorce; however, high conflict divorces tend to share a few common characteristics. Signs of a high conflict divorce may include, actions by one or both spouses that cause disputes, which are highly charged, nasty or even malicious. These disputes can create emotional turmoil for some spouses, and at the bare minimum, be very stressful for the parties involved, including kids.
High conflict divorces also tend to drag out much longer than necessary because either one or both parties can’t agree on how to settle various aspects of the divorce or custody case. That means the high conflict spouses tend to spend more time in court and more money on legal fees, while their disagreements persist for months or even years.
We talk about high conflict divorce a lot on our podcast, In Your Best Interest. Listen in to this episode for more insight.
What causes high conflict divorce?
As mentioned above, conflict can take many forms and may be instigated by either one or both parties during a divorce or child custody case. Couples may end up in a high conflict divorce or custody dispute due to any of the following circumstances:
- They have vastly different philosophical perspectives personally, business wise or in regard to parenting styles that leave the parties at odds.
- Parties won’t agree or compromise on who gets what in the divorce settlement, who gets primary custody or what the parenting plan should include.
- There is a lack of transparency by either party, like not sharing information pertaining to the couple’s shared interests, finances or a child’s needs, activities or whereabouts.
- The relationship involves verbal or physical aggression by one or both parties who are unhappy with aspects of the marriage, divorce or custody arrangements.
- Sneaky tactics are undertaken by parties we refer to as “silent killers,” who don’t scream and yell but take strategic and calculated actions to hurt the other party emotionally, financially or even physically. (Gaslighting and hiding assets would both fall into this category.)
- Self-inflicted conflict occurs because a party doesn’t understand the divorce process, gets distressed because things aren’t moving fast enough or struggles emotionally because they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
How to handle high conflict divorce when the other party has a personality disorder
The mental health of the parties in a family law dispute can play a big role in the level of conflict and emotional turmoil that ensues. During a high conflict divorce, borderline personality symptoms like mood swings, paranoia, suicidal thoughts and angry outbursts can be exacerbated because those who suffer from BP disorders fear being abandoned or left alone.
In an earlier blog, we took a deep dive into strategies for dealing with family law cases when narcissism and other personality disorders are involved. One of the key takeaways there was that you need to provide clear and convincing evidence that a personality disorder does exist and show how that party’s behavior has impacted the case. If you’re involved in a divorce or custody dispute with someone you believe suffers from a personality disorder, check out this narcissism blog for more details.
How to deal with high conflict divorce when kids are involved
Parents should keep one thing at the forefront of the minds during any divorce. They need to put their children’s wellbeing first. That means not fighting or saying disparaging things about the other parent in front of the kids. Every child is made up of 50% of each parent, so when you attack the other parent, kids often feel like you’re attacking them, too.
If you’re a parent involved in a high conflict divorce or child custody battle, you should also accept the fact that you can only control what happens when the kids are with you. Unless the other parent poses a danger to your kids, you can’t control what goes on when that parent has possession. If the other parent isn’t good about getting your child to basketball practice on time or feeds the child fast food on a regular basis, you need to accept that. Just focus on keeping your side of the street clean.
How to suggest a parenting plan high conflict divorce attorneys would recommend
Sometimes co-parenting is not always possible. Attorneys sometimes recommend parallel parenting plan high conflict divorce to keep the child out of the middle of communications between parents. With a parallel parenting plan, parents agree to provide similar living arrangements for children in their separate homes, along with similar rules for homework, bedtime, discipline, playtime, friends and other social situations.
When proposing any parenting plan to a parent you have a conflict with, it’s best to stay focused on what will work best for the child and make him or her the most comfortable—don’t make it about you. In the case of parallel parenting plans, the key benefit they provide is creating more consistency and stability for a child, which makes it easier for them to cope, especially when parents don’t get along.
Parents and their attorneys should also be proactive about including written directives regarding how disputes will be resolved in their high conflict divorce parenting plan. Parents need to abide by the guidelines established or go to court to sort out their differences.
If you’re in a high conflict parenting relationship and need to resolve an issue that hasn’t been addressed in your parenting plan, stick to the facts and keep emotions out of it. State the facts as you see them and ask the other party’s opinion on how to resolve the issue.
If they are antagonistic, don’t respond or try to gaslight you, at least you tried. Plus, the court may be more likely to see your side of things, as long as you keep track of your correspondence with the other parent. We recommend parents use a co-parenting app like My Family Wizard to communicate, so interactions between parents are recorded. That way if you need to go back to court, the judge can base his or her decision on facts, rather than he said-she said.
How to deal with high conflict divorce: Other divorce strategies to consider
No. 1: Hire a high conflict divorce attorney who is a good fit for you.
At the Sisemore Law Firm, we do our best to determine whether our firm is a good fit for a prospective client during the initial consultation. I do many of those initial consults myself, and if I don’t believe that we’re a good fit for the client, we won’t take the case. Sometimes personalities don’t mesh or I may feel expectations are not on the same page.
As a client, you should weigh your options when searching for a divorce attorney, too. Do they deal with high conflict cases on a regular basis? If you need a lot of hand holding, do they have the staff to meet your needs? Is the attorney a good listener, compassionate when need-be and a match personality wise? Meet with at least 2-3 attorneys before you make a decision.
No. 2: Be proactive about your mental health.
Even if you find an amazing high conflict divorce attorney, don’t expect them to act as your therapist, too. It’s not their specialty, and they won’t be able to help you deal with the mental anguish that a family therapist can.
Getting a regular divorce can be overwhelming but high conflict divorces add stressors that can be very difficult to cope with. A therapist can help you understand what you’re going through, what to expect during the process and how to cope with the emotional challenges coming your way, so you can come out of the divorce in a good place.
No. 3: If you have to communicate with the other party, stick to facts.
I touched on this earlier under the parenting plan section but this strategy applies to parties going through divorce without kids, as well. When someone is creating conflict in your life, you don’t want to fuel the fire. Exchange information as the court requires and keep emotion out of it.
No. 4: Don’t expect everything to be sorted out on day one.
As divorce attorneys, we know our clients are going through a lot, and we know most of them want to get the divorce over and done with as soon as possible. Unfortunately, most divorces—especially high conflict divorces—don’t work out that way.
Timing is very important during divorce, and a good divorce attorney will walk you through how he or she expects the timeline for your divorce to play out. Instead of driving yourself crazy, concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other by compartmentalizing your thoughts. Focus on the short-term tasks and goals first, then check off the rest of the boxes until your case reaches a conclusion. If your attorney hasn’t walked through the timeline with you, schedule time to discuss it.
No 5: If you fear for your safety, take steps to protect yourself.
If you’ve been a victim of family violence or feel threatened by your spouse, help is available. Don’t hesitate to call 911 if you are in immediate danger. Your attorney can also help you take steps to get an emergency restraining order or protective order, prohibiting the other party from coming within close proximity to you. Women’s shelters are another great resource for victims of family violence, so don’t be afraid to reach out if you don’t have a safe place to stay.
High conflict divorces can be challenging. We can help.
Every case is unique and divorce strategies for high complex divorces vary depending on the circumstances. If you live in the Dallas / Fort Worth area and have more questions about how to deal with high conflict divorce or you need advice on a low-conflict, uncontested divorce in Texas, contact us to schedule a consultation. A family law attorney at the Sisemore Law Firm would be happy to review your case and suggest next steps.
To schedule a confidential case review, contact the Sisemore Law Firm at (817) 336-4444 or connect with us online.
