By Attorney Justin Sisemore
Table of contents:
- Some of the most common issues with blended families involve finances.
- Different parenting styles can create blended family difficulties.
- Stepparents may be blindsided by unexpected challenges of blended families.
- Parents should look out for blending family issues involving step-siblings.
- Co-parenting with an ex can also cause problems with blended families.
Blending a family is easy … said no one ever. Even if you take things slow and plan ahead prior to bringing two families together, things can get rocky. As someone who grew up in a blended family that remains beautifully blended to this day, I along with my family have experienced a wide range of blended family issues, as well as the joys a large, extended family can bring.
While you can’t anticipate all of the blended family challenges you will face, there are some common blended family issues you should be prepared for. Being proactive is the key to success here, along with a commitment to open communication among all parties involved. This includes your new partner, children, step-children and the co-parents of your kids.
You may also want to check out our recent In Your Best Interest podcast on blended families. Justin and Andrea Jones share their first-hand experiences and tips for blending families.
Some of the most common issues with blended families involve finances.
Let me start by saying I’m not a financial planner or an estate attorney, so consulting one or both may be a good idea, depending on your specific blended family issues. That being said, let’s take a look at some of the financial matters couples need to think about when blending families.
1). How will you make decisions about family finances, and are you on the same page?
Couples should take time to assess their financial situation based on their combined income, debts owed, monthly expenses, child support and savings goals. It isn’t unusual for one party to take the lead on monitoring the budget and paying bills. Who will be responsible for those duties? If you aren’t on the same page regarding certain issues, consider seeking guidance from a financial professional.
2). Have you updated beneficiary information and made other critical changes to financial and estate planning documents?
One important step many people forget following a divorce is to update beneficiary information on financial accounts. If you were previously married and don’t want your ex to be the beneficiary in the event of your death, reach out to the financial institutions where your accounts reside. They can provide the forms you need to change your beneficiary designations. These may include:
- Bank accounts.
- Savings accounts.
- Retirement accounts (IRAs, 401ks, pensions, etc.).
- Life insurance policies.
- Other investment accounts.
In addition, you may want to update beneficiary designations and other directives related to estate planning. Along with removing an ex-spouse, you may want to include your new spouse and step-children in your revised estate plans. Speak with your estate planning attorney about the status of your:
- Wills.
- Trusts.
- Advanced directives.
- Other estate planning tools.
Different parenting styles can create blended family difficulties.
It’s really important for parents of a blended family to have a proactive discussion about what their expectations are regarding how they will parent together. A reputable family counselor is a terrific resource for parents preparing to blend their families. A few things to consider regarding parenting styles, include:
DISCIPLINE: Discipline can get tricky when both parents bring children from past relationships into a new, blended family and beliefs on discipline differ. If you don’t believe in corporal punishment and your new partner does (or vice versa), you should express your thoughts before your families merge. Also, who will be responsible for disciplining the children and under what circumstances?
STRUCTURE: Some parents have different views related to permissiveness and what you’ll let your child get away with. How strict will you be when it comes to bedtime, curfews, screentime, chores and how the kids’ days are structured in general? If you both bring kids into the new family, some negotiations may be necessary to ensure the children are operating on an equal playing field.
PARENTING TIME: How you each view parenting time and how much time will be set aside for each child, individually and together, is another topic parents should discuss. If your or your new partner’s child is used to getting one-on-one time and share special traditions or activities with their parent, it can be unsettling if they don’t get the attention they expect. At the same time, parents should think proactively about the new activities and traditions the new blended family will share together.
Stepparents may be blindsided by unexpected challenges of blended families.
Being a stepparent can be a wonderful experience but it does come with its own set of challenges. Here are a few things for new stepparents to keep in mind.
EASE INTO THE RELATIONSHIP. It’s generally best to move slow when taking on the stepparent role because many children, especially older ones, will be suspicious of your intentions early on. While you don’t want to allow a child to walk all over you, it’s typically best to cut them some slack while you all figure things out.
BE PREPARED FOR REJECTION. Many stepparents also find themselves unprepared for the emotional challenges of blended families. Stepparents may face rejection or full-on disdain from their stepchildren, even when they do everything possible to be supportive. And while it’s nice to think you’ll love your stepkids just as much as your biological kids, that typically isn’t the case.
BIO PARENTS REIGN SUPREME. Stepparents should also remember that they are not the stepchild’s biological parent. If your new partner’s ex is still in the picture, you need to step back and let them take the lead when attending events together. Their wishes for your stepchild, as well as your new partner’s, trump yours. Stepparents generally don’t have legal rights when both bio parents are involved, so don’t interfere.
These are just a few of the challenges new stepparents face in blended families. A family therapist or member of the clergy can provide insight on how to navigate these and other potential blended family problems and solutions.
Parents should look out for blending family issues involving step-siblings.
The Brady Bunch may fit the definition of a blended family—a family created by two adults who bring a child or children in from past relationships—but they were only playing one on TV. Both the biological and step-siblings on the classic TV show had disagreements (remember when Greg forbade Marcia from dating his nemesis or the Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! episode?) but the Bradys always resolved them by the end of each 30-minute episode. That’s not how it works in real life.
When you bring children together from two separate sets of parents, they won’t always be jumping for joy. The ages and sexes of children can be a factor, and they all have unique personalities and emotional make-ups to consider. Some of their differences may even be serious, so parents should be sensitive about these issues. Again, a family counselor is a great resource when step-sibling disputes arise.
Younger kids may be open to the idea of having new, built-in playmates but older kids may struggle. Don’t presume your children will be able to adapt to their new living situation quickly. This is another situation where it’s generally best to take things slow and let the children adjust to each other before you all move in together.
Co-parenting with an ex can also cause problems with blended families.
Just because you’ve decided to get remarried or cohabitate with a new partner and their kids, doesn’t mean your ex has to accommodate your new family dynamic. When children from two separate sets of parents are brought into a new, blended family, court ordered parenting plans for the individual children still need to be followed.
To avoid blended family troubles, I typically encourage parents to be forthcoming with their ex about their new relationship and living situation, as it could very well have an impact on their shared biological child. If the child is struggling to adapt, the other parent will be better equipped to help the child cope and keep the co-parent informed.
While co-parenting with an ex can be difficult, parents should try to put differences aside when co-parenting because it ultimately benefits their shared interest: the child. If it’s not an option to pick up the phone and inform the other parent about your new family situation, communicate the facts in the manner that best suits your co-parenting arrangement, via text, email or a social application like My Family Wizard.
Need legal advice about blended family problems?
If problems regarding child custody, visitation or child support have resulted due to blended family issues, our Fort Worth family law attorneys are here to help. If you live in the Dallas / Fort Worth area and would like to speak with a family lawyer at our firm, please contact the Sisemore Law Firm at (817) 336-4444 or connect with us online.
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